🚫 Two Things We Must Stop Saying to Women: A Domestic Violence Reflection
- Dr. Khnuma Simmonds
- Oct 15
- 6 min read
As we recognize Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I want to name one of my biggest personal pet peeves — two comments too many women have heard:
“Are you pregnant?”“You’ve gained a lot of weight.”
I’m naming these not because they’re “girlfriend pet peeves,” but because I want girlfriends everywhere to be aware of how deeply harmful these comments can be so we can avoid them. Maybe no one has asked if you’re pregnant, but someone has pointed out your weight, your belly, or your changing body. If so, this message is for you — and for anyone who loves women enough to practice empathy, boundaries, and emotional intelligence.
These comments may sound harmless, but they trespass into a woman’s most personal space — her body, her story, and her timing. Below, I’ll share why they’re harmful, what’s underneath them, and how we can choose kindness instead.
🌸 1. Her Body, Her Business
A woman’s body is her sacred space. Whether it’s pregnancy speculation or weight commentary, she alone decides if, when, and how to share what’s happening.
Pointing out her belly or her weight — even “as a friend” — crosses a boundary that true care should protect. If she wants to share, she will — on her own terms.
“When we comment on her body, we may think we’re noticing. But what we’re really doing is crossing into what’s not ours to name.”
💔 2. Every Belly Doesn’t Represent Consent — or Joy
Pregnancy isn’t always planned, safe, or joyful. Some women experience pregnancy as a result of domestic or sexual violence. For others, a pregnancy journey may be tied to loss, infertility, or fear of trying again.
For survivors of trauma, “Are you pregnant?” can trigger feelings of violation and pain. For those trying to conceive, it can reopen wounds of grief.
According to the CDC, 22% of U.S. women have experienced intimate partner violence, and studies show that such experiences lower self-esteem and distort body image. So when we ask or assume, what feels like curiosity to us can feel like re-traumatization to her.
🌿 3. Every Woman’s Journey Is Unique
Some women are praying for a child. Others are grieving miscarriages or infertility. Some are navigating health changes or stress. And some are just living. When we comment on their bodies, we might unintentionally remind them of what they’ve lost, longed for, or struggled to accept. As girlfriends, our role isn’t to name what’s happening to her — it’s to ask how she’s feeling.
“When you see her, ask how she’s doing, not how she’s showing.”
🌺 4. Medical Realities, Hormones & Life Transitions
There are so many reasons a woman’s body changes — none of which require an audience:
Hormonal cycles: Estrogen, progesterone, and cortisol shifts affect water retention and bloating.
Fibroids: Up to 80% of Black women experience fibroids by age 50, often causing visible abdominal changes.
Abdominal separation (diastasis recti): Common after childbirth or abdominal trauma, it can leave women appearing “pregnant” years later.
Stress, metabolism, or medication: Weight changes often reflect the body’s response to survival, not indulgence.
Perimenopause & menopause: The average woman gains about 5 lbs, and 1 in 5 gain 10+ lbs during this transition. Hormonal shifts affect metabolism and fat distribution, often around the abdomen.
These transitions also take a mental toll. Many women already battle anxiety, body dysmorphia, and shame. When we comment, we amplify that noise.
“When women are already learning to love their bodies through change, our silence can be the safest kind of support.”
🕊️ 5. Cultural Honesty vs. Emotional Intelligence
In our Afro-Caribbean culture, we often pride ourselves on “real talk” and “brutal honesty.”But as I’ve grown, I’ve learned:
“You don’t have to be brutal to be honest. If you think you do, you’re just being brutal — not honest.”
Our cultural norm of “calling people out” can mask cruelty as candor. Those “small” body remarks have real consequences:
Women risking their lives through unsafe surgeries
Broken friendships and silent resentment
Deepened body shame and isolation
We can honor our culture without upholding its harmful habits.Let’s choose honesty with compassion, truth with tenderness, and love that liberates.
💞 6. Liberation Means Autonomy
Feminine identity doesn’t require motherhood — or any specific body size, shape, or condition. True liberation means giving women full authorship over their bodies and stories, free from external projection or unsolicited commentary.
“Every woman deserves the right to tell her own story — especially the one written in her body.”
📊 What the Research Reminds Us
22% of women in the U.S. experience intimate partner violence, often leading to diminished confidence and body shame.
The risk of infertility is three times higher among women with hormonal or metabolic disorders, adding emotional strain to weight-related remarks.
During perimenopause, women gain an average of 5 lbs, with 1 in 5 gaining 10+ lbs, often around the abdomen due to lower estrogen.
Up to 80% of Black women experience fibroids by age 50, which can cause swelling and visible changes in the midsection.
These are more than numbers — they’re reminders of how complex womanhood is, and how deeply our bodies reflect our stories.
🌻 Closing Thoughts
As we bring awareness to Domestic Violence Awareness Month, let’s also awaken sensitivity within our own sisterhood. Words can heal or harm, build bridges or barriers. So next time you notice your girlfriend’s body has changed, resist the urge to comment. Instead, consider:
“You look radiant.”“It’s so good to see you.”“How are you feeling today, truly?”
Because being a girlfriend isn’t about calling out — it’s about calling in. It’s about empathy that restores, compassion that liberates, and love that listens first.
💌 With Love,
Your Girlfriend, Dr. K
Founder, Girlfriendism International
References (APA 7)
American Society for Reproductive Medicine. (2021). Obesity and reproduction: A committee opinion. https://integration.asrm.org/globalassets/_asrm/practice-guidance/practice-guidelines/pdf/obesity_and_reproduction.pdf (integration.asrm.org)
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2016/2017 report on intimate partner violence. National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. https://stacks.cdc.gov/view/cdc/124646 (CDC Stacks)
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2025). National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): Reports and publications. https://www.cdc.gov/nisvs/documentation/index.html (Accessed October 15, 2025). (CDC)
Davis, S. R., Castelo-Branco, C., Chedraui, P., Lumsden, M., Nappi, R. E., Shah, D., & Villaseca, P. (2012). Understanding weight gain at menopause. Climacteric, 15(5), 419–429. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22978257/ (PubMed)
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Greendale, G. A., Sternfeld, B., Huang, M., Han, W., Karvonen-Gutierrez, C., Ruppert, K., & Cauley, J. A. (2019). Changes in body composition and weight during the menopausal transition. Obstetrics and Gynecology Clinics of North America, 46(4), 499–514. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6483504/ (PMC)
National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. (2018, November 2). Uterine fibroids (overview page). https://www.nichd.nih.gov/health/topics/uterine/conditioninfo (Accessed October 15, 2025). (NICHD)
National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. (2024, June 24). Uterine fibroids and women’s health (fact sheet). https://www.nichd.nih.gov/publications/product/535 (NICHD)
Obesity Action Coalition. (n.d.). The truth about menopause and weight gain. Retrieved October 15, 2025, from https://www.obesityaction.org/resources/the-truth-about-menopause-and-weight-gain/ (Obesity Action Coalition)
Safe and Equal. (n.d.). Impacts of family violence. Retrieved October 15, 2025, from https://safeandequal.org.au/understanding-family-violence/impacts/ (Safe and Equal)
Silvestris, E., De Pergola, G., Rosania, R., & Loverro, G. (2018). Obesity as disruptor of the female fertility. Reproductive Biology and Endocrinology, 16, 22. https://rbej.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12958-018-0336-z (BioMed Central)
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✨ About the Author
Dr. Khnuma Simmonds is the Founder and CEO of Girlfriendism International, a global Love and Liberation Movement inspiring women across the world to heal, lead, and thrive through authentic friendship, movement, and embodied wellness.
A visionary entrepreneur, educator, and advocate, Dr. K also serves as the Executive Director of H.O.P.E. Inc. (Helping Ordinary People Every Day) — a nonprofit organization based in the U.S. Virgin Islands that empowers survivors of domestic and sexual violence through culturally specific healing, advocacy, and community programs. Her work weaves together mental-health education, dance, spirituality, and global sisterhood to create sacred spaces where women can remember who they are — whole, worthy, and wildly free.
“Your body, your story, your choice.”
Anyone who wishes to support H.O.P.E.’s survivor-centered work can contribute HERE.
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